Tebow Circumcises Offensive Line, Prepares for National Championship

GAINESVILLE, Fl.: Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, former Heisman winner and current candidate, has made a name for himself on and off the field as a leader.

Many point to Tebow's impassioned speech following the Ole Miss loss as the inspiration that got the Gators over the top.

"I promise you that no one will work as hard as I will, as this team will," Tebow said. "Nothing - not ego, not un-preparedness, and especially not foreskin - will keep us from winning another game."

Immediately following the conference, Tebow performed routine circumcisions on his entire starting offensive line in an effort to revamp the team's rushing attack.

"I'd say technique had a lot to do with our offense's lack of production," said head coach Urban Meyer. "But foreskin had a lot to do with that as well."

Since performing the procedure ordained by the Lord for millennia, Florida's Tebow-led offense has rolled over opposing defenses, averaging over 35 points more than the opposition.

"The results speak for themselves," Tebow said. "Now, I can just wait for those Heisman votes to come in and spend my time getting ready for the National Championship."

Tebow was spotted Friday afternoon nervously circumcising Polynesian kids outside the Heisman presentation ceremony in New York.

-Clay Himes

Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser

Obama tells supporters he still believes in an America where anything is possible, once we ditch that good-for-nothing Nate.

COLUMBIA, SC—In a nationally televised speech Friday, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama altered his vision of a unified America to exclude Dayton, OH loser Nate Walsh.

According to Obama, the 32-year-old Walsh, who has lived with his parents intermittently since receiving his associate's degree in 2001 and still does not have a credit card in his own name, no longer figures into the senator's long-term plan of rallying Americans from all walks of life around a common, higher purpose.

"People of South Carolina, people of the world, this is our time, this is our moment," Obama said before 72,000 supporters at the University of South Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium. "That is, unless you live in apartment 3L at 1254 Holden St., you watched Money Train on TBS last night at 3 a.m., and your name is Nate Walsh."

"I have always said that the change we seek will not come easy, that it will not come without its share of sacrifice and struggle," Obama continued. "And the last thing we need is dead weight like Nate Walsh adding another 20 or 30 years to the process."

The speech, entitled "A More Perfect Union Minus Nate Walsh," was 26 minutes long and contained the words "change" 12 times, "hope" 16 times, and "Nate," in conjunction with the phrase "with the exception of," 34 times.

Although Obama remained vague on issues such as health care and foreign policy, the Illinois senator was praised for finally publicly addressing the issue of Nate Walsh. Obama took a hard-line stance on Walsh, calling the part-time driving-range employee the lone aspect of America he doesn't believe in, a citizen who can languish in the past for all he cares, and "on top of everything else, kind of a jerk."

"When I began this campaign, my mission was to help this nation share my vision for one America—not a black America, or a white America, or a Latino or Asian America," Obama said. "But now what I see, what I envision, is a Nate-free America. And once we get rid of that guy, there is nothing we can't accomplish. Nothing we can't achieve."

According to campaign strategist David Axelrod, Walsh's failure to remember his mother's birthday five years in a row, along with the fact that for the entire month of July he washed his hair with a bar of soap because he was too lazy to purchase shampoo, are examples of the kind of hopelessness Obama is trying to avoid.

"I am reminded of an instance early last year when Nate told his sister, Elizabeth, that he was going to start going to the gym three times a week after work," Obama said. "I was rooting for Nate. I thought that this time things would be different. That this time Nate would be capable of change. But it was just like 1997, 1999, 2000, and 2002 all over again. He went to the gym twice and quit."

"What a loser," Obama added.

In the hours following the speech, members of the McCain camp scrambled to respond to Obama's views on Walsh. In a statement last night, McCain applauded Obama's position on the loser, but criticized him for not offering any real solutions to the Nate Walsh problem. McCain went on to promise that, if elected, he would rid the world of Walsh within his first 48 hours in office without raising taxes.

Perhaps the most stirring moment of Obama's speech came at its conclusion, when he reasserted his call for change on the part of everyone except Walsh, whom he urged to just change the channel to the Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime like he knows he wants to.

"People of America, not Nate, we have the ability to heal this nation," Obama said. "Yes we can, Nate excluded, seize our future. Yes we can, with the exception of Nate and his stupid cargo shorts that he never washes, turn the page to a new tomorrow. I am confident that where we—and by 'we' I mean everyone but Nate—are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we—again, not Nate—will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in six simple words: Yes we can, except Nate Walsh."

Added Obama: "God bless the people of South Carolina, God bless America, and fuck you, Nate."

Ben Affleck Refuses Acting Lessons

Hollywood, CA--

Ben Affleck, whose acting ability can best be described as lacking, recently fought his way out of an acting intervention. Former girlfriends Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez, his old pal Matt Damon and his younger brother, Casey, stormed into Affleck's house Tuesday evening, demanding that he seek professional help.

"I don't have a problem," Affleck said as he climbed out of a bathroom window. "I've played serious roles. I was in Good Will Hunting, Pearl Harbor and Gigli!"

"That's the point, " old friend Matt Damon said. "I threw him a bone on Good Will Hunting. But if you remember, he won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, not Best Actor. Everything has digressed since then. Samuel L. Jackson carried him in Changing Lanes. The best thing he was ever associated with was Gone Baby, Gone. But in that movie he was behind the camera."

Casey Affleck, a.k.a. the talented Affleck, summarized the experience this way: "I'm embarrassed for him. He called me one time all excited about his new "Bennifer" nickname--you know, when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. I said, 'Hey, Bro. Why don't you spend less time giggling about your cute nickname and more time perfecting your craft.' He hung up on me."

James Hayes

Vanderbilt Football Recruiters Find Ugliest Prospect Ever

National League: Screw It

Raspberries Become Distressing Trend Among Senior Citizens

   Few know the technical terminology for the common putdown that is prevalent among adolescents. A Raspberry is made when an individual protrudes their tongue between their lips, applies slight pressure, and forces air over their tongue and out of the individuals oral cavity. This action causes a sound that resembles flatulence.

The profound sound that so many adolescence have found irresistible to use when their teachers bend over to pick something up in class or when the fat kid is about to kick the kick ball in gym class,  emerged in the late 1800's when the first prototypes for toothpaste were beginning to be developed. The first toothpastes were made of a very bitter leaf that left the user with a tacky texture on their tongue. The only way to remove the unpleasant texture was to make what is now known as "the Raspberry". Young children quickly recognized the resemblance of the oral remedy to the sound a person's anus makes when "gas is passed". 

However, today the Raspberry isn't only for young people. The elderly  have discovered the infinite possibilities for the famous putdown. Sarah Mirchgardener, a nurse at Sunset Assisted Living, the local Nashville assisted living home for the elderly whose "sun's are about to set", said,"The Raspberry thang is gettin' outta hand. I don't know why these old geezers can't keep their tounges in their mouths."

Obviously, the Raspberry phenomenon is one that isn't going away anytime soon. But what can you do to make sure that you aren't caught off guard by stray spit from some elderly person's tongue? Sherriff McGee of Davidson county offered this advice, "Really the only thing you can do is keep your head on a swivel, or try and take as many of the old people out on the interstate that you can. The less old people there are, the less Raspberries there are, which will make our cities streets safe once more. You know, all that spit can get really slippery."

-Garrett Dickerson

Victim Still Sore Over Lost Testicles

MADISON, Wi.: Herdley Marshall lost more than he bargained for in last Tuesday's weekly poker match with neighbors. Marshall, 47, bet and lost his testicles in the final round of gambling.

"I can't believe they're gone," Marshall said several days later. "You really don't know what you have until it's gone. I can't believe I lost with pocket aces - who wouldn't have bet their balls on that hand?"

Marshall plays his weekly poker game with his neighbors John Strong and Larry Patrick. Strong, feeling lucky with a pair of twos, went all in against Marshall's gutsy wager of testicles and came out victorious.

"I just knew I'd have a three of a kind, and I did," Strong said, grinning widely. "You should have seen his face when he had to hand over those testicles. I have them sitting over my fireplace right now."

As for next week's poker match, all bets are off.

"I haven't been invited over yet," Strong says.

Testicles (pronounced tes-tuh-KLEEZ) was the Greek god of male fertility. Marshall received the two marble statues as a wedding gift in 1979.

- Clay Himes

Feds Discover Underground Waitress Bunker

Frankfort, Kentucky:

Using a tip from a disgruntled Chili’s patron, federal agents have discovered a waitress bunker buried nearly 100 feet below the ground in Frankfort, KY. This bunker, which is believed to have been dug shortly after the invention of the waitress, can be accessed from any restaurant in the country by an intricate tunnel system. Waitresses have been using this bunker as a respite from belligerent customers who demand such extravagances as a refill of coffee or an extra straw.

The “vanishing waitress” phenomenon has been sweeping the country for decades. In 1978 President Jimmy Carter formed a task force called “Operation ‘Check, Please’” to address the problem. Efforts to infiltrate the waitress cabal were constantly thwarted by sympathetic restaurant managers who promised that missing waitresses were not in an underground bunker but were simply “not feeling well” or “they had to go pick up their kid at day care.”

But a breakthrough came Monday when Bill Pogue, a Chili’s regular who prefers a side of barbeque sauce with his quesadillas, noticed his waitress jump into a hole behind the swinging door that leads into the kitchen. “After I asked for another lemon wedge for my tea, my waitress hurried to the kitchen. I noticed the kitchen door fly open and my waitress fall. I thought she was hurt, so I ran over there and discovered a human-sized hole in the ground.”

Federal agents released this statement: “After years of investigation, we have finally solved the vanishing waitress riddle. These delinquent servers have been hold up in an underground cave 100 feet below Frankfort, KY. In the bunker we found “to-go” boxes, extra Ranch dressing and three waitresses who, when asked to come with us, simply said, 'We’ll be with you in a second.' Pitiful. Just pitiful.”

--James Hayes

Receiver Refuses to Catch Balls "Thrown Too Hard"

KNOXVILLE, Tn.: Volunteer receiver and Lipscomb High School graduate Austin Rogers was heard detailing to his quarterbacks exactly how to throw the football to him. Rogers claims that balls "thrown too hard" jam his pinky finger - the finger that is his "favorite little piggy."

"When I committed to this school, I layed it out for the coaching staff right off the bat - I don't like balls thrown at me at maximum velocity," Rogers said, adjusting his jock strap. "Jamming my fingers sucks and I'm tired of it. If the ball is not coming straight for my chest at the precise tilt and exact speed I happen to feel comfortable with - well, you can just go catch it yourself."

Former Vol quarterback Erik Ainge felt first hand the consequences of throwing Rogers a ball full strength. "I was scrambling out of the pocket with three Tigers on my tail, and there was Austin on a breakaway, wide open," Ainge said. "I had to throw it as hard as I could, even though I know [Austin] hates that. Austin was so mad he just stuck out one hand and knocked the ball down. I just feel awful about that - even if it was fourth and three in the SEC Championship's fourth quarter."

Rogers was last seen walking to summer class in full game pad gear.

-Clay Himes

Al Gore Cashes in on Global Warming

CARTHAGE, TN: Al Gore, former vice-president and current hypocrite, has found a new way to cash in on his global warming propaganda: boat salesman.

“As I have detailed in “An Inconvenient Truth,” most of North America will be under water in the next few years, so what better way to help my fellow Americans than to put them in one of my custom-made Gorestream boats,” Gore said from his palatial, carbon-neutral office in his “hometown” of Carthage.

The Gorestream boat, which is powered by wind, the sun and Democratic ideals, starts at $35,000 but can run as high as $48,000 for the “Obama Edition,” which is fully stocked with change, hope and a better tomorrow.

But the local community is skeptical. Brenda Conrad, whose hair salon is just a few blocks from Gore’s new dealership, has her reservations. “I mean really. I don’t think he’s sold a single boat. Every time I drive by he’s screaming at cars about how Bush stole the election. Who’d want to buy a boat from an ex-vice-president anyway?”

Gore refuses to divulge a complete sales total, stating that the Republicans will just use the information to “further advance their oil-lovin’ agenda.” When asked if his boat venture was simply an act of desperation on the part of a bitter political has-been, Gore replied, “Ridiculous. But I do desperately want you to buy a 2008 Gorestream ‘Obama Edition’ boat.”

- James Hayes

Obama Changes Middle Name To Jesus

WASHINGTON, DC: Presidential candidate Barack Obama changed his middle name today in an attempt to make his name "roll off the tongue better."

"I didn't do it for any reason really. I don't think the name will influence anyone any more than my last middle name did," he says, referring to his previous middle name "Hussein". "Doesn't Barack Jesus Obama just sound pleasing to the ears? Who wouldn't want to vote for Jesus?"

In a new poll, 100% of Evangelicals said they thought Jesus would make a good President.

"It's just an awesome name," Obama says.

The name change to "Jesus" just barely managed to beat out Obama's other middle name choices: "Michael Jordan" and "Hannah Montana".

-Clay Himes

Pre-season College Football Top 10

The upcoming college football season is nearly upon us! To celebrate, The American Insider News is ceremoniously purchasing NCAA Football 09, urinating on a BCS logo sticker, and bringing you our first annual pre-season rankings. Enjoy.

1. USC - QB Mark Sanchez, armed with a chiseled jaw line, smooth, butter-toned skin, soft brown eyes, and flowing locks of gorgeous dark hair, looks poised to lead the Trojans back to the title game.

2. Ohio State - The Buckeyes return nine starters on each side of the ball, including star RB Beanie Wells and Butkus Award-winner LB James Laurinitis. The team returns veterans on the offensive line and defensive backfield, and senior quarterback Todd Boeckman seems ready for a breakout season under center, all of which makes Jim Tressel's squad a near lock to be obliterated in the National Championship Game.

3. Florida - After struggling last year, the Gators have a realistic shot at getting back to the title game. Led by quarterback Tim Tebow, Heisman Trophy winner and the son of missionary parents, Urban Meyer's team is expected to light up the scoreboard, and Tebow could challenge some of his own school records. The modest quarterback, however, has set his sights a little lower, "I'm not really worried about winning championships, individual awards, or topping my SEC-record 23 rushing touchdowns from a year ago. This summer I've really been working hard on my footwork in the pocket and leading (senior wide receiver) Louis Murphy to Christ."

4. Oklahoma - In an otherwise quiet off-season for the school, the Oklahoma football program changed their official colors to navy blue, red, and silver, donned new shiny helmets with what looks like an odd Elvis head on the side, and changed their school nickname from "Sooners" to "Patriots." When asked about the change, coach Bob Stoops simply said, "I'm proud to be an American."

5. Georgia - Enthused by their team's 41-10 beat-down of previously unbeaten Hawaii in last January's Sugar Bowl, Georgia fans have placed unprecedented expectations on this year's team. Give it up Dawgs fans, Georgia sucks.

6. Missouri - After experimenting with a new offense, a ten-receiver set featuring no offensive lineman, during Missouri's annual Black and Gold spring game, Coach Gary Pinkel was particularly excited about the opportunity to "get all those fast boys in the game." The Tiger defense will likely be very good as well, as Pinkel could hardly contain his excitement about "all those sacks our boys were getting!"

7. West Virginia Tech - Still playing with a chip on their shoulder from last year's 1-10 regular season, which featured losses of 87-0 to Western Kentucky and 76-0 to Georgetown College, the NAIA school claims that they're going to "show people what they're made of" this season. With a roster featuring twin 7'6" offensive lineman, Jerry and Joe Jasper, the Golden Bears could live up to their self-imposed hype, and crash the BCS party.

8. Auburn - Coach Tommy Tuberville's promise to "recruit better athletes" has resulted in any coach's dream: a roster completely devoid of any white players. The Tigers, who will likely have a fast, sneaky, defense prone to attacking and stealing the ball, will feature a line-up made up of players who are entirely black. Coach Tuberville, who claims that team dinners at Popeye's have been crucial to building unity this off-season, addressed the media last Thursday by saying, "We just try'n to win games, bruh."

9. LSU - After the graduation of QB Matt Flynn and the dismissal of his backup, Ryan Perrilloux, the signal-calling situation in Baton Rouge looked bleak this time last week. However, on Tuesday former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre has announced his intentions to come out of retirement, apply for admission to Louisiana State University, attend the mandatory minimum of twelve credit hours, and lead the Tigers back to the BCS title game.

10. Clemson - Coach Tommy Bowden's strategy, which has been no secret throughout the off-season, to run the double-reverse halfback pass every play, has Tigers fans excited for the upcoming season.

Elderly Man Tells Off Telemarketer, Takes Centrum

BOWLING GREEN, KY-

Herschel Forrest, 79, finally lost his usual calm demeanor earlier this morning after receiving yet another sales call from godaddy.com. "The first few times they called, I told the young man I wasn't interested in his product. You see, I come from a day and time in which I only bought things after putting my own two hands on them. I like to see a salesman face to face and end the transaction with a firm, sincere handshake. These days, you never know what you are going to get."

The telephone marketing department had not called for about a week, but when they called Forrest this morning, he gave the salesman a piece of his mind.

"Look, I know these kids working the phones are probably good people at heart, but when they start interfering with my morning programs, well that is just going too far. I finally had to tell him that if he called again I would ask for his manager and have a word. I pulled no punches."

"Oh he always gets like this when the humidity starts to rise," says Herschel's wife, Blanche, "I think it messes with his sciatica. Going on and on to me about 'land of the free, home of the brave,' and how he used to just walk in stores and shake hands with people. It gets tiring but these people really get to him."

"After telling that salesman off, my heart started racing and I really felt alive. Reminded me to take my multivitamin. I wish that salesman the best of luck, really. But what do I need with a godaddy? My father passed nearly thirty years ago."

-Weston Langdon

Bank Offers Free Online Money Laundering

CHICAGO, Il.: In the era dominated by online services, banks in general are finding it hard to stay ahead of the curve. Not so fast for Chicago banker Danny Malone who recently unveiled a new quirk to his bank's management: online money laundering.

"Why should people extorting money illegally have to take their cash out of state or - even worse - out of the country and overseas?" Malone asks. "Last time I checked America was called the 'Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave'. I just don't see how we can call ourselves that when there are people out there stealing innocent peoples' money and losing sleep at night worrying about where they can store it without the authorites finding out."

The service has seen wild activity for various bank members in the downtown Chicago area. Ray Ray Stevens, a small business narcotics dealer on the corner of 18th and Broad, checks his money laundering accounts from his lap top hourly.

"Online money laundering is as easy as it is efficient," he says, tapping away at his keyboard. "Used to, if I killed a bookie on 14th, I'd have to distribute the money I stole through various runners I have around town. With online money laundering, I can kill the bookie and use his computer to make a deposit - all in the same place! Tell anybody about this and I'll f------ kill you."

Other banks have caught on to the new craze and have begun similar efforts of their own - but what makes Malone's bank so appealing?

"The entire service is free," Malone says. "Other banks usually charge 10% of your earnings or a weekly crack allowance - here at Malone & Stein's Bank all of our laundering is free of charge and fully accessible online."

Malone & Stein's has even unveiled a Junior Money Laundering service for teenagers.

"I love it," said an anonymous teen. "I stole my grandmother's social security check this morning and bought the new Grand Theft Auto within the hour."

-Clay Himes

Angry Student Demands Answers

CHARLESTON, SC-

Derrick Lamper, a student of a Charleston community college was found irritated yesterday at the arrogance of his fellow classmates. The second year business student is enrolled in a fundamental biology class and finds it unfair that he not only has to take such a class, but also that he has to find the answers to his open book online tests himself.

Around 2:00 PM, around an hour before the first test was due, Lamper officially demanded some answers to the test while sitting in the campus library. "Usually in High School, I got people to do this kind of stuff for me," says Lamper, "but here everyone is all 'that's cheating' or 'dude, I haven't done it yet.'"

"It's bad enough I have to be up in this nerd hole while I could be getting some play on some fine lady or hoopin' it up with my boys, but the way these people act, makes me think about forgettin' school altogether."

Thomas Daff, Lamper's professor, has been a long time professor of biology and is not surprised at the student's demands. "Kids these days, they think they have the world by the balls. Students like Derrick will always try to get by the easy way. The answers are in the back of the book word for word, but nobody in my thirty years has figured that out. Sad, really."

After spending two hours texting other students attempting to suavely ask for an answer key, "u done that bio test yet?" Lamper finally gave in and looked up the answers himself. "I'm going to business school, what does that have to do with cells and crap? I figure I'll be making six figures here in a couple years once I can get out from under this oppression."

"He was really kind of a creep," reports Amanda Maxwell, a student in Lamper's class who received one of his texts. "If he wanted my answers, I don't care, but what is with him asking me about my friend's cleavage furrow? I mean she was sitting right there!"

"Last time I checked, America was the land of the free and home of the brave. This is ridiculous." says Lampers.

After turning in the test online, Lamper was seen driving off the campus while honking at two female joggers.

Weston Langdon

Supreme Court Imposes Ban on Heterosexual Marriage

WASHINGTON, DC - The practice of men and women entering into marriage together was officially put to an end yesterday. The controversial decision, handed down Monday by members of the United States Supreme Court, will officially ban all future unions between the two sexes, long thought to be best suited for one another.

Supporters of the ban cited the soaring divorce rate, claiming traditional matrimony was "defiling the sanctity of marriage and ruining the family structure." Some simply claimed, "Marriage blows," the words of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Nebraska), himself a husband and father of two for 32 years, "I wish I was gay."

The long-expected ruling (prognosticators forecast the demise of different-sex marriage in the early 1990s, just after the release of League of Their Own) does not effect currently married couples, who will be allowed to continue their outdated heterosexual ways, as long as they don't: do it where we can see it, try to take over the country, try to impose their conservative agenda, or try to make my kids be straight.

"Let us all be gay," President George W. Bush, who is bi, said. The President also announced plans to divorce his longtime wife, Barbara, and move into an apartment with his friend, Grant.

Heterosexual marriage, which dates back to the Naked Era, when reported straights Adam and Eve first entered into wedded bliss, ends with few bright spots in its history-long campaign. Opponents of the ban, which are few, simply wondered how our generation plans on reproducing. When asked this by a reporter, Bush shrugged and said, "You know, maybe we can all adopt an African baby or something. That would solve the problem, right?"

The last known couple to enter into oppo-sex marriage, Garrett and Kristin Dickerson, who were married last Saturday, wishes they would've known the ban was coming.

- Raleigh McCool

McCain: Death No Longer An Issue

PHEONIX, Az: Arizona senator and Presidential candidate John McCain thwarted opponents critical of his old age today by revealing an interesting and personal piece of information.

"To those who fear voting for me because of my old age, I have this to say: I will never die," he told supporters. "Thanks to a recent contract with the devil himself, I no longer can claim the right to die."

McCain went on to detail his demonic contract, explaining all that was required for his immortality. "For the sacrifice of the blood of the innocent, which I must feast upon daily, the Devil will continue to restore my flesh indefinitely."

When asked when such a contract would be put into effect, McCain further comforted his audience with his persistance to the plan. "This morning I consumed three puppies," he said, to the wild applause of his supporters.

The address was met with some mixed reviews from analysts, though it appears McCain will stay strong with his message.

"We must continue the course that our great country is on, not just for us, but for our happy young children, whom I will consume."

-Clay Himes

Confused Area Student Finds Average Girl Attractive

COLUMBIA, Tn.: An area student found himself attracted to the new girl in his Geography class Tuesday morning, only to have his dreams shattered. The student, who chose to remain anonymous, first judged the girl to be extremely hot, but once she removed her oversized sunglasses the student could only describe the girl as "not as hot."

"I just had this really good feeling that she would be really hot," he said, shaking his head remorsefully. "But I'm only moderately attracted to her [without the sunglasses]. I think I can see a speck of something on her cheek from here."

To make matters worse, the student reports that this is not his first encounter with such a tragedy. The oversized sunglasses-craze sweeping the country has caused many other young men to be prematurely aroused by averagely-hot girls, studies show.

"I have a friend who had the same thing happen to him last week," the student continued. "If we don't do something about oversized sunglasses soon, every young person in the country could eventually find an average girl attractive. That's not the America I want to live in."

-Clay Himes