PHEONIX, Az: Arizona senator and Presidential candidate John McCain thwarted opponents critical of his old age today by revealing an interesting and personal piece of information.
"To those who fear voting for me because of my old age, I have this to say: I will never die," he told supporters. "Thanks to a recent contract with the devil himself, I no longer can claim the right to die."
McCain went on to detail his demonic contract, explaining all that was required for his immortality. "For the sacrifice of the blood of the innocent, which I must feast upon daily, the Devil will continue to restore my flesh indefinitely."
When asked when such a contract would be put into effect, McCain further comforted his audience with his persistance to the plan. "This morning I consumed three puppies," he said, to the wild applause of his supporters.
The address was met with some mixed reviews from analysts, though it appears McCain will stay strong with his message.
"We must continue the course that our great country is on, not just for us, but for our happy young children, whom I will consume."
-Clay Himes
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