WASHINGTON, DC - The practice of men and women entering into marriage together was officially put to an end yesterday. The controversial decision, handed down Monday by members of the United States Supreme Court, will officially ban all future unions between the two sexes, long thought to be best suited for one another.
Supporters of the ban cited the soaring divorce rate, claiming traditional matrimony was "defiling the sanctity of marriage and ruining the family structure." Some simply claimed, "Marriage blows," the words of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Nebraska), himself a husband and father of two for 32 years, "I wish I was gay."
The long-expected ruling (prognosticators forecast the demise of different-sex marriage in the early 1990s, just after the release of League of Their Own) does not effect currently married couples, who will be allowed to continue their outdated heterosexual ways, as long as they don't: do it where we can see it, try to take over the country, try to impose their conservative agenda, or try to make my kids be straight.
"Let us all be gay," President George W. Bush, who is bi, said. The President also announced plans to divorce his longtime wife, Barbara, and move into an apartment with his friend, Grant.
Heterosexual marriage, which dates back to the Naked Era, when reported straights Adam and Eve first entered into wedded bliss, ends with few bright spots in its history-long campaign. Opponents of the ban, which are few, simply wondered how our generation plans on reproducing. When asked this by a reporter, Bush shrugged and said, "You know, maybe we can all adopt an African baby or something. That would solve the problem, right?"
The last known couple to enter into oppo-sex marriage, Garrett and Kristin Dickerson, who were married last Saturday, wishes they would've known the ban was coming.
- Raleigh McCool
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