Ben Affleck Refuses Acting Lessons

Hollywood, CA--

Ben Affleck, whose acting ability can best be described as lacking, recently fought his way out of an acting intervention. Former girlfriends Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez, his old pal Matt Damon and his younger brother, Casey, stormed into Affleck's house Tuesday evening, demanding that he seek professional help.

"I don't have a problem," Affleck said as he climbed out of a bathroom window. "I've played serious roles. I was in Good Will Hunting, Pearl Harbor and Gigli!"

"That's the point, " old friend Matt Damon said. "I threw him a bone on Good Will Hunting. But if you remember, he won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, not Best Actor. Everything has digressed since then. Samuel L. Jackson carried him in Changing Lanes. The best thing he was ever associated with was Gone Baby, Gone. But in that movie he was behind the camera."

Casey Affleck, a.k.a. the talented Affleck, summarized the experience this way: "I'm embarrassed for him. He called me one time all excited about his new "Bennifer" nickname--you know, when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. I said, 'Hey, Bro. Why don't you spend less time giggling about your cute nickname and more time perfecting your craft.' He hung up on me."

James Hayes

Vanderbilt Football Recruiters Find Ugliest Prospect Ever

National League: Screw It

Raspberries Become Distressing Trend Among Senior Citizens

   Few know the technical terminology for the common putdown that is prevalent among adolescents. A Raspberry is made when an individual protrudes their tongue between their lips, applies slight pressure, and forces air over their tongue and out of the individuals oral cavity. This action causes a sound that resembles flatulence.

The profound sound that so many adolescence have found irresistible to use when their teachers bend over to pick something up in class or when the fat kid is about to kick the kick ball in gym class,  emerged in the late 1800's when the first prototypes for toothpaste were beginning to be developed. The first toothpastes were made of a very bitter leaf that left the user with a tacky texture on their tongue. The only way to remove the unpleasant texture was to make what is now known as "the Raspberry". Young children quickly recognized the resemblance of the oral remedy to the sound a person's anus makes when "gas is passed". 

However, today the Raspberry isn't only for young people. The elderly  have discovered the infinite possibilities for the famous putdown. Sarah Mirchgardener, a nurse at Sunset Assisted Living, the local Nashville assisted living home for the elderly whose "sun's are about to set", said,"The Raspberry thang is gettin' outta hand. I don't know why these old geezers can't keep their tounges in their mouths."

Obviously, the Raspberry phenomenon is one that isn't going away anytime soon. But what can you do to make sure that you aren't caught off guard by stray spit from some elderly person's tongue? Sherriff McGee of Davidson county offered this advice, "Really the only thing you can do is keep your head on a swivel, or try and take as many of the old people out on the interstate that you can. The less old people there are, the less Raspberries there are, which will make our cities streets safe once more. You know, all that spit can get really slippery."

-Garrett Dickerson

Victim Still Sore Over Lost Testicles

MADISON, Wi.: Herdley Marshall lost more than he bargained for in last Tuesday's weekly poker match with neighbors. Marshall, 47, bet and lost his testicles in the final round of gambling.

"I can't believe they're gone," Marshall said several days later. "You really don't know what you have until it's gone. I can't believe I lost with pocket aces - who wouldn't have bet their balls on that hand?"

Marshall plays his weekly poker game with his neighbors John Strong and Larry Patrick. Strong, feeling lucky with a pair of twos, went all in against Marshall's gutsy wager of testicles and came out victorious.

"I just knew I'd have a three of a kind, and I did," Strong said, grinning widely. "You should have seen his face when he had to hand over those testicles. I have them sitting over my fireplace right now."

As for next week's poker match, all bets are off.

"I haven't been invited over yet," Strong says.

Testicles (pronounced tes-tuh-KLEEZ) was the Greek god of male fertility. Marshall received the two marble statues as a wedding gift in 1979.

- Clay Himes

Feds Discover Underground Waitress Bunker

Frankfort, Kentucky:

Using a tip from a disgruntled Chili’s patron, federal agents have discovered a waitress bunker buried nearly 100 feet below the ground in Frankfort, KY. This bunker, which is believed to have been dug shortly after the invention of the waitress, can be accessed from any restaurant in the country by an intricate tunnel system. Waitresses have been using this bunker as a respite from belligerent customers who demand such extravagances as a refill of coffee or an extra straw.

The “vanishing waitress” phenomenon has been sweeping the country for decades. In 1978 President Jimmy Carter formed a task force called “Operation ‘Check, Please’” to address the problem. Efforts to infiltrate the waitress cabal were constantly thwarted by sympathetic restaurant managers who promised that missing waitresses were not in an underground bunker but were simply “not feeling well” or “they had to go pick up their kid at day care.”

But a breakthrough came Monday when Bill Pogue, a Chili’s regular who prefers a side of barbeque sauce with his quesadillas, noticed his waitress jump into a hole behind the swinging door that leads into the kitchen. “After I asked for another lemon wedge for my tea, my waitress hurried to the kitchen. I noticed the kitchen door fly open and my waitress fall. I thought she was hurt, so I ran over there and discovered a human-sized hole in the ground.”

Federal agents released this statement: “After years of investigation, we have finally solved the vanishing waitress riddle. These delinquent servers have been hold up in an underground cave 100 feet below Frankfort, KY. In the bunker we found “to-go” boxes, extra Ranch dressing and three waitresses who, when asked to come with us, simply said, 'We’ll be with you in a second.' Pitiful. Just pitiful.”

--James Hayes

Receiver Refuses to Catch Balls "Thrown Too Hard"

KNOXVILLE, Tn.: Volunteer receiver and Lipscomb High School graduate Austin Rogers was heard detailing to his quarterbacks exactly how to throw the football to him. Rogers claims that balls "thrown too hard" jam his pinky finger - the finger that is his "favorite little piggy."

"When I committed to this school, I layed it out for the coaching staff right off the bat - I don't like balls thrown at me at maximum velocity," Rogers said, adjusting his jock strap. "Jamming my fingers sucks and I'm tired of it. If the ball is not coming straight for my chest at the precise tilt and exact speed I happen to feel comfortable with - well, you can just go catch it yourself."

Former Vol quarterback Erik Ainge felt first hand the consequences of throwing Rogers a ball full strength. "I was scrambling out of the pocket with three Tigers on my tail, and there was Austin on a breakaway, wide open," Ainge said. "I had to throw it as hard as I could, even though I know [Austin] hates that. Austin was so mad he just stuck out one hand and knocked the ball down. I just feel awful about that - even if it was fourth and three in the SEC Championship's fourth quarter."

Rogers was last seen walking to summer class in full game pad gear.

-Clay Himes

Al Gore Cashes in on Global Warming

CARTHAGE, TN: Al Gore, former vice-president and current hypocrite, has found a new way to cash in on his global warming propaganda: boat salesman.

“As I have detailed in “An Inconvenient Truth,” most of North America will be under water in the next few years, so what better way to help my fellow Americans than to put them in one of my custom-made Gorestream boats,” Gore said from his palatial, carbon-neutral office in his “hometown” of Carthage.

The Gorestream boat, which is powered by wind, the sun and Democratic ideals, starts at $35,000 but can run as high as $48,000 for the “Obama Edition,” which is fully stocked with change, hope and a better tomorrow.

But the local community is skeptical. Brenda Conrad, whose hair salon is just a few blocks from Gore’s new dealership, has her reservations. “I mean really. I don’t think he’s sold a single boat. Every time I drive by he’s screaming at cars about how Bush stole the election. Who’d want to buy a boat from an ex-vice-president anyway?”

Gore refuses to divulge a complete sales total, stating that the Republicans will just use the information to “further advance their oil-lovin’ agenda.” When asked if his boat venture was simply an act of desperation on the part of a bitter political has-been, Gore replied, “Ridiculous. But I do desperately want you to buy a 2008 Gorestream ‘Obama Edition’ boat.”

- James Hayes

Obama Changes Middle Name To Jesus

WASHINGTON, DC: Presidential candidate Barack Obama changed his middle name today in an attempt to make his name "roll off the tongue better."

"I didn't do it for any reason really. I don't think the name will influence anyone any more than my last middle name did," he says, referring to his previous middle name "Hussein". "Doesn't Barack Jesus Obama just sound pleasing to the ears? Who wouldn't want to vote for Jesus?"

In a new poll, 100% of Evangelicals said they thought Jesus would make a good President.

"It's just an awesome name," Obama says.

The name change to "Jesus" just barely managed to beat out Obama's other middle name choices: "Michael Jordan" and "Hannah Montana".

-Clay Himes

Pre-season College Football Top 10

The upcoming college football season is nearly upon us! To celebrate, The American Insider News is ceremoniously purchasing NCAA Football 09, urinating on a BCS logo sticker, and bringing you our first annual pre-season rankings. Enjoy.

1. USC - QB Mark Sanchez, armed with a chiseled jaw line, smooth, butter-toned skin, soft brown eyes, and flowing locks of gorgeous dark hair, looks poised to lead the Trojans back to the title game.

2. Ohio State - The Buckeyes return nine starters on each side of the ball, including star RB Beanie Wells and Butkus Award-winner LB James Laurinitis. The team returns veterans on the offensive line and defensive backfield, and senior quarterback Todd Boeckman seems ready for a breakout season under center, all of which makes Jim Tressel's squad a near lock to be obliterated in the National Championship Game.

3. Florida - After struggling last year, the Gators have a realistic shot at getting back to the title game. Led by quarterback Tim Tebow, Heisman Trophy winner and the son of missionary parents, Urban Meyer's team is expected to light up the scoreboard, and Tebow could challenge some of his own school records. The modest quarterback, however, has set his sights a little lower, "I'm not really worried about winning championships, individual awards, or topping my SEC-record 23 rushing touchdowns from a year ago. This summer I've really been working hard on my footwork in the pocket and leading (senior wide receiver) Louis Murphy to Christ."

4. Oklahoma - In an otherwise quiet off-season for the school, the Oklahoma football program changed their official colors to navy blue, red, and silver, donned new shiny helmets with what looks like an odd Elvis head on the side, and changed their school nickname from "Sooners" to "Patriots." When asked about the change, coach Bob Stoops simply said, "I'm proud to be an American."

5. Georgia - Enthused by their team's 41-10 beat-down of previously unbeaten Hawaii in last January's Sugar Bowl, Georgia fans have placed unprecedented expectations on this year's team. Give it up Dawgs fans, Georgia sucks.

6. Missouri - After experimenting with a new offense, a ten-receiver set featuring no offensive lineman, during Missouri's annual Black and Gold spring game, Coach Gary Pinkel was particularly excited about the opportunity to "get all those fast boys in the game." The Tiger defense will likely be very good as well, as Pinkel could hardly contain his excitement about "all those sacks our boys were getting!"

7. West Virginia Tech - Still playing with a chip on their shoulder from last year's 1-10 regular season, which featured losses of 87-0 to Western Kentucky and 76-0 to Georgetown College, the NAIA school claims that they're going to "show people what they're made of" this season. With a roster featuring twin 7'6" offensive lineman, Jerry and Joe Jasper, the Golden Bears could live up to their self-imposed hype, and crash the BCS party.

8. Auburn - Coach Tommy Tuberville's promise to "recruit better athletes" has resulted in any coach's dream: a roster completely devoid of any white players. The Tigers, who will likely have a fast, sneaky, defense prone to attacking and stealing the ball, will feature a line-up made up of players who are entirely black. Coach Tuberville, who claims that team dinners at Popeye's have been crucial to building unity this off-season, addressed the media last Thursday by saying, "We just try'n to win games, bruh."

9. LSU - After the graduation of QB Matt Flynn and the dismissal of his backup, Ryan Perrilloux, the signal-calling situation in Baton Rouge looked bleak this time last week. However, on Tuesday former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre has announced his intentions to come out of retirement, apply for admission to Louisiana State University, attend the mandatory minimum of twelve credit hours, and lead the Tigers back to the BCS title game.

10. Clemson - Coach Tommy Bowden's strategy, which has been no secret throughout the off-season, to run the double-reverse halfback pass every play, has Tigers fans excited for the upcoming season.

Elderly Man Tells Off Telemarketer, Takes Centrum

BOWLING GREEN, KY-

Herschel Forrest, 79, finally lost his usual calm demeanor earlier this morning after receiving yet another sales call from godaddy.com. "The first few times they called, I told the young man I wasn't interested in his product. You see, I come from a day and time in which I only bought things after putting my own two hands on them. I like to see a salesman face to face and end the transaction with a firm, sincere handshake. These days, you never know what you are going to get."

The telephone marketing department had not called for about a week, but when they called Forrest this morning, he gave the salesman a piece of his mind.

"Look, I know these kids working the phones are probably good people at heart, but when they start interfering with my morning programs, well that is just going too far. I finally had to tell him that if he called again I would ask for his manager and have a word. I pulled no punches."

"Oh he always gets like this when the humidity starts to rise," says Herschel's wife, Blanche, "I think it messes with his sciatica. Going on and on to me about 'land of the free, home of the brave,' and how he used to just walk in stores and shake hands with people. It gets tiring but these people really get to him."

"After telling that salesman off, my heart started racing and I really felt alive. Reminded me to take my multivitamin. I wish that salesman the best of luck, really. But what do I need with a godaddy? My father passed nearly thirty years ago."

-Weston Langdon

Bank Offers Free Online Money Laundering

CHICAGO, Il.: In the era dominated by online services, banks in general are finding it hard to stay ahead of the curve. Not so fast for Chicago banker Danny Malone who recently unveiled a new quirk to his bank's management: online money laundering.

"Why should people extorting money illegally have to take their cash out of state or - even worse - out of the country and overseas?" Malone asks. "Last time I checked America was called the 'Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave'. I just don't see how we can call ourselves that when there are people out there stealing innocent peoples' money and losing sleep at night worrying about where they can store it without the authorites finding out."

The service has seen wild activity for various bank members in the downtown Chicago area. Ray Ray Stevens, a small business narcotics dealer on the corner of 18th and Broad, checks his money laundering accounts from his lap top hourly.

"Online money laundering is as easy as it is efficient," he says, tapping away at his keyboard. "Used to, if I killed a bookie on 14th, I'd have to distribute the money I stole through various runners I have around town. With online money laundering, I can kill the bookie and use his computer to make a deposit - all in the same place! Tell anybody about this and I'll f------ kill you."

Other banks have caught on to the new craze and have begun similar efforts of their own - but what makes Malone's bank so appealing?

"The entire service is free," Malone says. "Other banks usually charge 10% of your earnings or a weekly crack allowance - here at Malone & Stein's Bank all of our laundering is free of charge and fully accessible online."

Malone & Stein's has even unveiled a Junior Money Laundering service for teenagers.

"I love it," said an anonymous teen. "I stole my grandmother's social security check this morning and bought the new Grand Theft Auto within the hour."

-Clay Himes