Angry Student Demands Answers

CHARLESTON, SC-

Derrick Lamper, a student of a Charleston community college was found irritated yesterday at the arrogance of his fellow classmates. The second year business student is enrolled in a fundamental biology class and finds it unfair that he not only has to take such a class, but also that he has to find the answers to his open book online tests himself.

Around 2:00 PM, around an hour before the first test was due, Lamper officially demanded some answers to the test while sitting in the campus library. "Usually in High School, I got people to do this kind of stuff for me," says Lamper, "but here everyone is all 'that's cheating' or 'dude, I haven't done it yet.'"

"It's bad enough I have to be up in this nerd hole while I could be getting some play on some fine lady or hoopin' it up with my boys, but the way these people act, makes me think about forgettin' school altogether."

Thomas Daff, Lamper's professor, has been a long time professor of biology and is not surprised at the student's demands. "Kids these days, they think they have the world by the balls. Students like Derrick will always try to get by the easy way. The answers are in the back of the book word for word, but nobody in my thirty years has figured that out. Sad, really."

After spending two hours texting other students attempting to suavely ask for an answer key, "u done that bio test yet?" Lamper finally gave in and looked up the answers himself. "I'm going to business school, what does that have to do with cells and crap? I figure I'll be making six figures here in a couple years once I can get out from under this oppression."

"He was really kind of a creep," reports Amanda Maxwell, a student in Lamper's class who received one of his texts. "If he wanted my answers, I don't care, but what is with him asking me about my friend's cleavage furrow? I mean she was sitting right there!"

"Last time I checked, America was the land of the free and home of the brave. This is ridiculous." says Lampers.

After turning in the test online, Lamper was seen driving off the campus while honking at two female joggers.

Weston Langdon

Supreme Court Imposes Ban on Heterosexual Marriage

WASHINGTON, DC - The practice of men and women entering into marriage together was officially put to an end yesterday. The controversial decision, handed down Monday by members of the United States Supreme Court, will officially ban all future unions between the two sexes, long thought to be best suited for one another.

Supporters of the ban cited the soaring divorce rate, claiming traditional matrimony was "defiling the sanctity of marriage and ruining the family structure." Some simply claimed, "Marriage blows," the words of Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Nebraska), himself a husband and father of two for 32 years, "I wish I was gay."

The long-expected ruling (prognosticators forecast the demise of different-sex marriage in the early 1990s, just after the release of League of Their Own) does not effect currently married couples, who will be allowed to continue their outdated heterosexual ways, as long as they don't: do it where we can see it, try to take over the country, try to impose their conservative agenda, or try to make my kids be straight.

"Let us all be gay," President George W. Bush, who is bi, said. The President also announced plans to divorce his longtime wife, Barbara, and move into an apartment with his friend, Grant.

Heterosexual marriage, which dates back to the Naked Era, when reported straights Adam and Eve first entered into wedded bliss, ends with few bright spots in its history-long campaign. Opponents of the ban, which are few, simply wondered how our generation plans on reproducing. When asked this by a reporter, Bush shrugged and said, "You know, maybe we can all adopt an African baby or something. That would solve the problem, right?"

The last known couple to enter into oppo-sex marriage, Garrett and Kristin Dickerson, who were married last Saturday, wishes they would've known the ban was coming.

- Raleigh McCool

McCain: Death No Longer An Issue

PHEONIX, Az: Arizona senator and Presidential candidate John McCain thwarted opponents critical of his old age today by revealing an interesting and personal piece of information.

"To those who fear voting for me because of my old age, I have this to say: I will never die," he told supporters. "Thanks to a recent contract with the devil himself, I no longer can claim the right to die."

McCain went on to detail his demonic contract, explaining all that was required for his immortality. "For the sacrifice of the blood of the innocent, which I must feast upon daily, the Devil will continue to restore my flesh indefinitely."

When asked when such a contract would be put into effect, McCain further comforted his audience with his persistance to the plan. "This morning I consumed three puppies," he said, to the wild applause of his supporters.

The address was met with some mixed reviews from analysts, though it appears McCain will stay strong with his message.

"We must continue the course that our great country is on, not just for us, but for our happy young children, whom I will consume."

-Clay Himes

Confused Area Student Finds Average Girl Attractive

COLUMBIA, Tn.: An area student found himself attracted to the new girl in his Geography class Tuesday morning, only to have his dreams shattered. The student, who chose to remain anonymous, first judged the girl to be extremely hot, but once she removed her oversized sunglasses the student could only describe the girl as "not as hot."

"I just had this really good feeling that she would be really hot," he said, shaking his head remorsefully. "But I'm only moderately attracted to her [without the sunglasses]. I think I can see a speck of something on her cheek from here."

To make matters worse, the student reports that this is not his first encounter with such a tragedy. The oversized sunglasses-craze sweeping the country has caused many other young men to be prematurely aroused by averagely-hot girls, studies show.

"I have a friend who had the same thing happen to him last week," the student continued. "If we don't do something about oversized sunglasses soon, every young person in the country could eventually find an average girl attractive. That's not the America I want to live in."

-Clay Himes