Kiffin Unaware of Recruiting Violation

KNOXVILLE, Tn: Lane Kiffin has barely managed to unpack the boxes in his new office as head football coach of the University of Tennessee, but that hasn't kept the former NFL coach from starting fires around the SEC.

At a recent sponsor's banquet, Kiffin called out University of Florida coach Urban Meyer whom Kiffin had recently lured several high profile recruits from.

"Yeah and what's even better is that Urban broke the rules," Kiffin said. "While I was caressing [2009 recruit] Nu'Keese Richardson's thighs in my office, his phone rang. It was Urban sending kinky picture texts of himself! Nice try Urban."

The comment quickly sent shockwaves felt round the SEC, prompting Meyer to quickly issue a reply.

"I am shocked and appaled at this accusation," Meyer said in a later press conference, "I would never send kinky, sexually explicit pictures of myself to a recruit after March 30."

SEC Comissioner Mike Slive addressed the issue within days of the incident.

"This whole debacle has been bizarre from both parties involved," Slive said. "Neither coach should be caressing the thighs of a recruit or cajooling their cell phones with awesome, steamy, muscular photos of themselves doing preacher curls outside the specified dates of January 30 to Valentine's Day."

Other SEC coaches have been quick to comment on the subject.

"The real issue here isn't necessarily that both coaches got the dates wrong," Alabama head coach Nick Saban said. "It's that both Lane and Urban were being total sluts about the whole thing. I think that was the first time Lane had met with Nu'Keese, and he's caressing his thighs? Whatever."

Saban was later seen romantically walking class of 2010 commit Blake Sims up the front porch steps of Sim's home in Virginia before settling for a kiss on the cheek.

Tebow Circumcises Offensive Line, Prepares for National Championship

GAINESVILLE, Fl.: Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, former Heisman winner and current candidate, has made a name for himself on and off the field as a leader.

Many point to Tebow's impassioned speech following the Ole Miss loss as the inspiration that got the Gators over the top.

"I promise you that no one will work as hard as I will, as this team will," Tebow said. "Nothing - not ego, not un-preparedness, and especially not foreskin - will keep us from winning another game."

Immediately following the conference, Tebow performed routine circumcisions on his entire starting offensive line in an effort to revamp the team's rushing attack.

"I'd say technique had a lot to do with our offense's lack of production," said head coach Urban Meyer. "But foreskin had a lot to do with that as well."

Since performing the procedure ordained by the Lord for millennia, Florida's Tebow-led offense has rolled over opposing defenses, averaging over 35 points more than the opposition.

"The results speak for themselves," Tebow said. "Now, I can just wait for those Heisman votes to come in and spend my time getting ready for the National Championship."

Tebow was spotted Friday afternoon nervously circumcising Polynesian kids outside the Heisman presentation ceremony in New York.

-Clay Himes

Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser

Obama tells supporters he still believes in an America where anything is possible, once we ditch that good-for-nothing Nate.

COLUMBIA, SC—In a nationally televised speech Friday, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama altered his vision of a unified America to exclude Dayton, OH loser Nate Walsh.

According to Obama, the 32-year-old Walsh, who has lived with his parents intermittently since receiving his associate's degree in 2001 and still does not have a credit card in his own name, no longer figures into the senator's long-term plan of rallying Americans from all walks of life around a common, higher purpose.

"People of South Carolina, people of the world, this is our time, this is our moment," Obama said before 72,000 supporters at the University of South Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium. "That is, unless you live in apartment 3L at 1254 Holden St., you watched Money Train on TBS last night at 3 a.m., and your name is Nate Walsh."

"I have always said that the change we seek will not come easy, that it will not come without its share of sacrifice and struggle," Obama continued. "And the last thing we need is dead weight like Nate Walsh adding another 20 or 30 years to the process."

The speech, entitled "A More Perfect Union Minus Nate Walsh," was 26 minutes long and contained the words "change" 12 times, "hope" 16 times, and "Nate," in conjunction with the phrase "with the exception of," 34 times.

Although Obama remained vague on issues such as health care and foreign policy, the Illinois senator was praised for finally publicly addressing the issue of Nate Walsh. Obama took a hard-line stance on Walsh, calling the part-time driving-range employee the lone aspect of America he doesn't believe in, a citizen who can languish in the past for all he cares, and "on top of everything else, kind of a jerk."

"When I began this campaign, my mission was to help this nation share my vision for one America—not a black America, or a white America, or a Latino or Asian America," Obama said. "But now what I see, what I envision, is a Nate-free America. And once we get rid of that guy, there is nothing we can't accomplish. Nothing we can't achieve."

According to campaign strategist David Axelrod, Walsh's failure to remember his mother's birthday five years in a row, along with the fact that for the entire month of July he washed his hair with a bar of soap because he was too lazy to purchase shampoo, are examples of the kind of hopelessness Obama is trying to avoid.

"I am reminded of an instance early last year when Nate told his sister, Elizabeth, that he was going to start going to the gym three times a week after work," Obama said. "I was rooting for Nate. I thought that this time things would be different. That this time Nate would be capable of change. But it was just like 1997, 1999, 2000, and 2002 all over again. He went to the gym twice and quit."

"What a loser," Obama added.

In the hours following the speech, members of the McCain camp scrambled to respond to Obama's views on Walsh. In a statement last night, McCain applauded Obama's position on the loser, but criticized him for not offering any real solutions to the Nate Walsh problem. McCain went on to promise that, if elected, he would rid the world of Walsh within his first 48 hours in office without raising taxes.

Perhaps the most stirring moment of Obama's speech came at its conclusion, when he reasserted his call for change on the part of everyone except Walsh, whom he urged to just change the channel to the Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime like he knows he wants to.

"People of America, not Nate, we have the ability to heal this nation," Obama said. "Yes we can, Nate excluded, seize our future. Yes we can, with the exception of Nate and his stupid cargo shorts that he never washes, turn the page to a new tomorrow. I am confident that where we—and by 'we' I mean everyone but Nate—are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we—again, not Nate—will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in six simple words: Yes we can, except Nate Walsh."

Added Obama: "God bless the people of South Carolina, God bless America, and fuck you, Nate."

Ben Affleck Refuses Acting Lessons

Hollywood, CA--

Ben Affleck, whose acting ability can best be described as lacking, recently fought his way out of an acting intervention. Former girlfriends Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez, his old pal Matt Damon and his younger brother, Casey, stormed into Affleck's house Tuesday evening, demanding that he seek professional help.

"I don't have a problem," Affleck said as he climbed out of a bathroom window. "I've played serious roles. I was in Good Will Hunting, Pearl Harbor and Gigli!"

"That's the point, " old friend Matt Damon said. "I threw him a bone on Good Will Hunting. But if you remember, he won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, not Best Actor. Everything has digressed since then. Samuel L. Jackson carried him in Changing Lanes. The best thing he was ever associated with was Gone Baby, Gone. But in that movie he was behind the camera."

Casey Affleck, a.k.a. the talented Affleck, summarized the experience this way: "I'm embarrassed for him. He called me one time all excited about his new "Bennifer" nickname--you know, when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. I said, 'Hey, Bro. Why don't you spend less time giggling about your cute nickname and more time perfecting your craft.' He hung up on me."

James Hayes

Vanderbilt Football Recruiters Find Ugliest Prospect Ever

National League: Screw It

Raspberries Become Distressing Trend Among Senior Citizens

   Few know the technical terminology for the common putdown that is prevalent among adolescents. A Raspberry is made when an individual protrudes their tongue between their lips, applies slight pressure, and forces air over their tongue and out of the individuals oral cavity. This action causes a sound that resembles flatulence.

The profound sound that so many adolescence have found irresistible to use when their teachers bend over to pick something up in class or when the fat kid is about to kick the kick ball in gym class,  emerged in the late 1800's when the first prototypes for toothpaste were beginning to be developed. The first toothpastes were made of a very bitter leaf that left the user with a tacky texture on their tongue. The only way to remove the unpleasant texture was to make what is now known as "the Raspberry". Young children quickly recognized the resemblance of the oral remedy to the sound a person's anus makes when "gas is passed". 

However, today the Raspberry isn't only for young people. The elderly  have discovered the infinite possibilities for the famous putdown. Sarah Mirchgardener, a nurse at Sunset Assisted Living, the local Nashville assisted living home for the elderly whose "sun's are about to set", said,"The Raspberry thang is gettin' outta hand. I don't know why these old geezers can't keep their tounges in their mouths."

Obviously, the Raspberry phenomenon is one that isn't going away anytime soon. But what can you do to make sure that you aren't caught off guard by stray spit from some elderly person's tongue? Sherriff McGee of Davidson county offered this advice, "Really the only thing you can do is keep your head on a swivel, or try and take as many of the old people out on the interstate that you can. The less old people there are, the less Raspberries there are, which will make our cities streets safe once more. You know, all that spit can get really slippery."

-Garrett Dickerson