Ben Affleck Refuses Acting Lessons

Hollywood, CA--

Ben Affleck, whose acting ability can best be described as lacking, recently fought his way out of an acting intervention. Former girlfriends Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez, his old pal Matt Damon and his younger brother, Casey, stormed into Affleck's house Tuesday evening, demanding that he seek professional help.

"I don't have a problem," Affleck said as he climbed out of a bathroom window. "I've played serious roles. I was in Good Will Hunting, Pearl Harbor and Gigli!"

"That's the point, " old friend Matt Damon said. "I threw him a bone on Good Will Hunting. But if you remember, he won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, not Best Actor. Everything has digressed since then. Samuel L. Jackson carried him in Changing Lanes. The best thing he was ever associated with was Gone Baby, Gone. But in that movie he was behind the camera."

Casey Affleck, a.k.a. the talented Affleck, summarized the experience this way: "I'm embarrassed for him. He called me one time all excited about his new "Bennifer" nickname--you know, when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. I said, 'Hey, Bro. Why don't you spend less time giggling about your cute nickname and more time perfecting your craft.' He hung up on me."

James Hayes

Vanderbilt Football Recruiters Find Ugliest Prospect Ever

National League: Screw It

Raspberries Become Distressing Trend Among Senior Citizens

   Few know the technical terminology for the common putdown that is prevalent among adolescents. A Raspberry is made when an individual protrudes their tongue between their lips, applies slight pressure, and forces air over their tongue and out of the individuals oral cavity. This action causes a sound that resembles flatulence.

The profound sound that so many adolescence have found irresistible to use when their teachers bend over to pick something up in class or when the fat kid is about to kick the kick ball in gym class,  emerged in the late 1800's when the first prototypes for toothpaste were beginning to be developed. The first toothpastes were made of a very bitter leaf that left the user with a tacky texture on their tongue. The only way to remove the unpleasant texture was to make what is now known as "the Raspberry". Young children quickly recognized the resemblance of the oral remedy to the sound a person's anus makes when "gas is passed". 

However, today the Raspberry isn't only for young people. The elderly  have discovered the infinite possibilities for the famous putdown. Sarah Mirchgardener, a nurse at Sunset Assisted Living, the local Nashville assisted living home for the elderly whose "sun's are about to set", said,"The Raspberry thang is gettin' outta hand. I don't know why these old geezers can't keep their tounges in their mouths."

Obviously, the Raspberry phenomenon is one that isn't going away anytime soon. But what can you do to make sure that you aren't caught off guard by stray spit from some elderly person's tongue? Sherriff McGee of Davidson county offered this advice, "Really the only thing you can do is keep your head on a swivel, or try and take as many of the old people out on the interstate that you can. The less old people there are, the less Raspberries there are, which will make our cities streets safe once more. You know, all that spit can get really slippery."

-Garrett Dickerson

Victim Still Sore Over Lost Testicles

MADISON, Wi.: Herdley Marshall lost more than he bargained for in last Tuesday's weekly poker match with neighbors. Marshall, 47, bet and lost his testicles in the final round of gambling.

"I can't believe they're gone," Marshall said several days later. "You really don't know what you have until it's gone. I can't believe I lost with pocket aces - who wouldn't have bet their balls on that hand?"

Marshall plays his weekly poker game with his neighbors John Strong and Larry Patrick. Strong, feeling lucky with a pair of twos, went all in against Marshall's gutsy wager of testicles and came out victorious.

"I just knew I'd have a three of a kind, and I did," Strong said, grinning widely. "You should have seen his face when he had to hand over those testicles. I have them sitting over my fireplace right now."

As for next week's poker match, all bets are off.

"I haven't been invited over yet," Strong says.

Testicles (pronounced tes-tuh-KLEEZ) was the Greek god of male fertility. Marshall received the two marble statues as a wedding gift in 1979.

- Clay Himes

Feds Discover Underground Waitress Bunker

Frankfort, Kentucky:

Using a tip from a disgruntled Chili’s patron, federal agents have discovered a waitress bunker buried nearly 100 feet below the ground in Frankfort, KY. This bunker, which is believed to have been dug shortly after the invention of the waitress, can be accessed from any restaurant in the country by an intricate tunnel system. Waitresses have been using this bunker as a respite from belligerent customers who demand such extravagances as a refill of coffee or an extra straw.

The “vanishing waitress” phenomenon has been sweeping the country for decades. In 1978 President Jimmy Carter formed a task force called “Operation ‘Check, Please’” to address the problem. Efforts to infiltrate the waitress cabal were constantly thwarted by sympathetic restaurant managers who promised that missing waitresses were not in an underground bunker but were simply “not feeling well” or “they had to go pick up their kid at day care.”

But a breakthrough came Monday when Bill Pogue, a Chili’s regular who prefers a side of barbeque sauce with his quesadillas, noticed his waitress jump into a hole behind the swinging door that leads into the kitchen. “After I asked for another lemon wedge for my tea, my waitress hurried to the kitchen. I noticed the kitchen door fly open and my waitress fall. I thought she was hurt, so I ran over there and discovered a human-sized hole in the ground.”

Federal agents released this statement: “After years of investigation, we have finally solved the vanishing waitress riddle. These delinquent servers have been hold up in an underground cave 100 feet below Frankfort, KY. In the bunker we found “to-go” boxes, extra Ranch dressing and three waitresses who, when asked to come with us, simply said, 'We’ll be with you in a second.' Pitiful. Just pitiful.”

--James Hayes

Receiver Refuses to Catch Balls "Thrown Too Hard"

KNOXVILLE, Tn.: Volunteer receiver and Lipscomb High School graduate Austin Rogers was heard detailing to his quarterbacks exactly how to throw the football to him. Rogers claims that balls "thrown too hard" jam his pinky finger - the finger that is his "favorite little piggy."

"When I committed to this school, I layed it out for the coaching staff right off the bat - I don't like balls thrown at me at maximum velocity," Rogers said, adjusting his jock strap. "Jamming my fingers sucks and I'm tired of it. If the ball is not coming straight for my chest at the precise tilt and exact speed I happen to feel comfortable with - well, you can just go catch it yourself."

Former Vol quarterback Erik Ainge felt first hand the consequences of throwing Rogers a ball full strength. "I was scrambling out of the pocket with three Tigers on my tail, and there was Austin on a breakaway, wide open," Ainge said. "I had to throw it as hard as I could, even though I know [Austin] hates that. Austin was so mad he just stuck out one hand and knocked the ball down. I just feel awful about that - even if it was fourth and three in the SEC Championship's fourth quarter."

Rogers was last seen walking to summer class in full game pad gear.

-Clay Himes